Although I wrote this post for Blog Adda First Crush Contest, I should thank them for giving me an opportunity for making blog about my first crush. This post is waiting for a long time in my list. I dunno whether I will win this contest, but writing about it feels so wonderful. Thank you Blog Adda…
“Patrick”, that was the first time I heard her calling my name with her sweet voice. But it was too late…
I am a small towner, Thanjavur – if you have a car you can measure the length and breadth of the town in half an hour but it’s beautiful, peaceful and laid back. I studied in a boys school, not that my parents forced me to but all the Christian school except one was either boys or girls school. There was a Hindu Co-Ed school, where my heroine was studying without my knowledge for years.
The only place you can even see girls were inter school competitions which happen once in a blue moon in our towns. And a short shy boy like me never had a chance to talk to a girl. I never complained about it and girls ( whoever i see) never fascinated me. May be my brain was waiting to release the love hormones only when i see her. Cometh the 10th standard, cometh the special tuitions. Although I was going to the same tuition master for 9th standard math tuitions, that was the first day, myself and my friends were gearing up for 10th tuitions, just because we will have girls in the class.
The tuition master had a small room in his terrace where the tuition classes happen and I always hop the stairs. It just gives me a good feeling to always run the stairs. I had no idea the hop that day is going to be as memorable that I have ended up writing a blog post about it. As I hopped on to reach the last stair, I heard a sound “sssss” which forced a break on my fast running legs. I raised my eyes to see one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen, she was standing with her eyes closed and hands on her head fearing a collision with me. She slowly opened her eyes and we looked at each other for few moments. That unforgettable moment is still precious, she passed me and her white churidhar touched me without touching – Cinematic ? But that’s how I met her. Life is stranger than fiction.
I didn’t realize that she is going to rule my life for the next two years. She ruled my studies, my dressing, my music, my poems, my time, my dreams – everything in my life, without even speaking a single word to me. Her name was ‘S’ ( for obvious reasons) and her father was a doctor. My dad was a doctor too ( +1). She practiced Hindusim and me, a Christian (-2 or -100?). She was taller than me (-2), fairer than me (-2) and her brother was a senior in my school (-2). All the stars were in downward spiral just like a recession economy. But there was one primary thing that has to happen, she has to like me ;), which is extremely difficult to achieve.
My shady flower shirts became stripes and checks, my pants became darker and simple. I started spending half an hour in front of the mirror shaping and reshaping my hair style but i ended up with the same hair style every other day. I started writing love themed poems in Tamil. Ilayaraja’s love songs became my national anthem.. I even wrote a novel with me as the hero and she as the heroine. My dreams started from Star wars and ended up in pre historic Chola era but consistently the end will be “me kissing her and we living happily ever after”. I even had a Titanic Dream ( Don’t ask me which scene, though). One year had passed admiring her smiles, scared eyes, cajoling her friends, solving maths but i never had the guts to walk up to her and talk. The tenth board exam holidays were painful. I never had the chance to see her. A few times i roamed around her house to just get a glimpse of her but it was not destined to happen. I scored 87% in 10th but i think she scored a little better than me. Maths tuitions are always lucky for me, I ended up in the same maths tuition batch as hers in 11th too. I still didn’t get the courage to talk to her.
If there was a Hero and Heroine, there should be villain too. There came the villain from my own class, R. He was dark, average built but not handsome (even if he was, would i have accepted?). This guy wily and wise, he had two things which i didn’t have. Guts and people to support. Girls do like guys who come up to them and speak out. He did and she started talking back. Then started a slew of rumors, hear-says and news “He gave card for her birthday”, “She accepted it, ” they went to the ice cream parlor”, “they are talking daily after the tuition in ****** street”. Rumors are like a cut but when you see with your eyes it’s a stab. I once saw them smiling at each other and waving hands. A tear drop forced itself from my eyes. My friend asked “Were you serious?” I sadly replied “Do you think my poems are just farce?”. That day i decided I don’t need this girl. Why should i yearn for some one who doesn’t even know that i like her. Why should i cry for some one and lose my happiness just for a school time crush. I went back home and wrote a farewell letter in my diary for one last time.
May be it was because of anger, may be it was because of in-competitiveness, may be because it was just a crush but I just decided not to pursue but the thoughts never died. I heard that they fought with each other. They even had a fight in the tuition and he damaged her TVS champ. I just walked off the scene as I could not see her crying (may be I wasn’t strong enough to fight him ). The tuition master asked him not to come for the tuition. Nobody talked about the fights. Nobody knew whether it was love. But still I didn’t get the guts to talk to her.
My friend’s family built a new house opposite to our house and she was also invited for the house warming ceremony. We friends were there for sometime and left to our usual meeting place. But my mom stayed back longer. My mom was very sick at that time. So she was sitting on a chair and S came to her, introduced herself and started speaking to her. Nobody knew what they spoke. My mom asked me later “who is that girl?” I said “meeee” ( that’s the short form of mummy).
My life changed after my mom’s demise.I just left that my first love was a distant dream. I still didn’t get the courage to talk to her. I moved on. Did my engineering and met my best friend in college. S got in to a girl’s college in the same town. We never got a chance to meet. Final year, after I got admission in to my MBA, I accompanied my friend for Honeywell Campus in a near by college. My friend is from Mech Engg and a girl in Mech dept is a rarity. We were sitting in the tree shade fighting at each other as we always do, when I heard a sweet voice calling “Patrick”. I just turned back to see S in white churidhar (man she knew how to dress). I sprung up with a big smile on my face (my friend said I was drooling) and started chatting with S. We were just chatting about college, work, MBA etc but my heart was not beating faster, nor my mouth was dry. I could see her eyes and speak. My eyes never moved to her beautiful lips nor it noticed the curl in her hair. I realized I have moved on. I shook my hands with her and turned back to see my friend with the most fieriest eyes in the world. She just said “hop in the bike. We are going home”. Whatever she spoke or did is censored here but I understood that girls are very possessive (painful guys).
The end ??- not yet people. Roll on to 2006, a bunch of friends including me met in a friend brother’s marriage. One guy said
“Machi, S got married”. I exclaimed
“What?”. I was neither happy nor sad but a slight tinge of disappointment sat in my face. Another friend2 came and sat next to me,
“Hey did you know this news. Just now I heard, S got married”. He exclaimed with a same expression “What? Who is that lucky guy?”
Friend 1 with a sad tone ” I think a doctor from UK”
Friend 3, who was taking photographs of the wedding “What are you guys gossiping?”.
Friend 2 “Did you know S got married?”
Friend 3 with the same old disappointing expression “Semma figure machi” ( a local slang meaning a beautiful girl)
“You too Brutus” was my expression. I dunno whether to laugh or cry. I just understood it’s natural for any guy to have a crush on a beautiful girl but real love is more than just a crush. Because I was in love when we were discussing this. Nobody knows whether she loved anyone in her life but I wished she should have wonderful happy family. I still don’t know whether she knew about my crush or did I really love her? I dunno. But somethings are better unsaid.
A unspoken love is more precious because it can never be broken