Love is an emotion which is happy, painful, sad, lethal, ecstatic, passionate, compassionate, funny, lively but it’s never easy. What if it was easy to fall in love, easy to get together in life, easy to get permission from your parents to get married, easy to go beyond religion, caste and country.. What if love was easy…

1. I would not have got a topic to write a blog post
2. Shakespeare would not have penned Romeo and Juliet
3. Troy would have been safe
4. Ramayana would not have been possible
5. Laila and Majnun would have been just another married couple
6. Mark Antony would have lived to expand the Roman Empire and Cleopatra would have died at an older age
7. Napolean would have had a heir to his throne
8. Dante’s Divine comedy would have been a comedy of errors
9. Prithiviraj would not have kidnapped Samjukta in a horseback
10. The love letters of Eloise and Ablehard would not have been possible
11. Anarkali would not have been entombed alive and we would not have got “Pyar Kiya to Darna Kiya”
12. Queen Victoria would have had remarriage
13. Taj Mahal would be just a tomb
14. Alexandra would not have been executed just because he loved Nicholas of Russia
15. We would not have needed a BBC documentary to know about Jawaharla Nehru and Lady Mountbatten and try to ban a movie saying their love story
16. Princess Diana would be living happily  - still breaking some more hearts
17. The number of over aged singles in this world would be an endangered species
18. Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor would not have got married twice in the span of few years.
19. Mills and Boons would be cheap crap ( its still cheap for a few)
20. A lot of poets would have stayed clueless (including me )- uff what I would have written
    
    photo credit: prakhar
21. We would have trashed Devdas. No Paro. No Chandramukhi. Dilip Kumar would have needed another movie to become a star.
22. Eric Segal would not have written the  “Love Story”
23. Dharmendra and Hema Malini would not have converted to Islam just to get married
24. Silsila???
25. Tamil movies would have been saved from scenes were heroes fight for lovers and advice parents
26. Ilaiyaraja would have made only spiritual  and mother songs
27. Mani Rathnam would have made only patriotic movies while AR Rahman would have settled for patriotic songs ( we would not have got Mouna Ragam and Alaipayuthey..ooo. I can’t imagine)
28. Titanic would be just another disaster movie and James Cameron would have been a just another director
29. Da Vinci Code would have been crap ( Jesus Christ and Mary Magdalene..???)
30. Spencer plaza, Sathyam theatre and Citi Centre would be out of business (Ampa Mall is recently added to the list – Chennai’s happening places).
31. Who would sit in the hot sun of Marina and Besant Nagar beaches???
32. Dupattas would be in shoulders
33. No. of suicide attempts would have come down
34. A few debatable topics would have reduced for the news channels
35. Dilwale Dulhaniya Le Jayenge would have been a first day flop (it’s running for 15 years on the trot in a theater in Mumbai)
36. There would not be guys standing in front of girl’s college gates
37. There would not be girls fasting in front of police stations
38. Suicide Point in Kodaikanal would not have got that infamous name
39. Religion and Caste would have been dead and buried
40. A few police stations would not have become marriage halls
41. Gay parades would not be there.
42. A lot of lovers would not have eloped
43. A few parent hearts would not have broken
44. There will not be broken marriages.
45. Diaries need not be a secret.
46. Arranged marriages would have been a rare spectacle the world will be waiting for
47. This world would have been a better place to live with lesser problems, lesser fights, lesser murders and love
48. I would have been father of a child
49. You would have been a wife of the love of your life
50. And we would not have met….

P.S : This post is dedicated to you

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Update: The supreme court hasn’t passed a judgement yet but only an observation on the case but looking at the observation it looks like it will  be judged in favour of Khushboo but they have spoken about pre-marital sex and live-in relationships. This is because i had a comment regarding it. Her case is just a trigger to the post and not the basis. I have changed the judgement as observation. You can get more info in the following link – http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/world/asia/article7074875.ece

My thoughts on marriage have always been criticized by my family and peers (don’t see the comments, the arguments usually happen offline). Yesterday I watched “We the People” in NDTV on the topic “Happily Unmarried?” which had some wonderful view points on marriage and relationships. Although my fondness towards Barkha Dutt has deteriorated over the years especially after 26/11, I like “We the People” concept as it brings out some real thoughts from real people.

Why this discussion first of all?

Supreme Court on a reply to a plea by Tamil Actress Khusboo has come out with a consequential observation on March 24th. Khusboo in an interview to an English Magazine in 2008 had said that “there is nothing bad about pre-marital sex and it’s a personal decision of individuals” which eventually triggered a slew of protests from fundamental groups and political parties in Tamil Nadu. There were 22 civil and criminal cases against her in different courts of Tamil Nadu. Her plea to High Court to quash the cases were turn down and she had to appeal to supreme court.

The Supreme court in an observation said that “even the Hindu gods, Lord Krishna and Radha, were cohabiting lovers rather than man and wife. “When two adult people want to live together, what is the offense?” they said. “Living together is not an offense. Living together is a right to life.” And they crticised all the cases against Khusboo questioning the attitude of accusers and asked for proof on how Khusboo’s statement affected the young minds (Sourced from Timesonine.co.uk More on the observation)

So the discussion in NDTV and the judgment of Supreme Court triggered this post. Disclaimers before putting my viewpoints

1. Living Together here means two people in love and want to live together without the legal binding of marriage according to the marriage laws of India or any other country. Live in relationships here doesn’t mean casual flings, pre-marital and post-marital affairs

2. Marriage here means legal marriage either by consensus of two adults or an arranged marriages by the mutual consent of families (although my definition of marriage is different )

3. I am not speaking for any of my friends or family. All the views are my own and I stand by them. I am neither married nor living in with my partner so what ever i have written is all based on observations.

Let’s face some facts. The percentage of arranged marriages in India is  70% (enormous – Sourced from Love will follow by Shaifalil Sandhya). The number of broken love are many and they usually happen because either of them leave the relationship because of an emotional bonding with parents. Even the so-called educated upper middle class in India doesn’t approve of love marriages. Arranged marriages in India happen based on caste, clan, religion, familial ties, status, business and even for honour. In fact most of the love marriages in India are accepted by parents only when both of them are from same caste, religion or status. “If two adults want to live together, why can’t they in an independent democratic country” – a pertinent question that has no answers in this country. Marriages are beyond two individuals in India and that’s why I don’t believe in it.

A relationship in my terms are between two individuals and it’s for the two individuals to decide whether to live together or marry or even stay as friends forever co-habit in the same house with or without being physically attached.I was in love too and I was thinking marriage is the end of it all. But I had to face the reality when it broke because of the same old reasons of broken love in this country. I started thinking about marriages in India. I was pressurized by family to get married. My profile was floated around and even my dad has a Bharat Matrimony profile for me. Even then they were settling down for the same religion, caste and status. Never wanted to go beyond.

I never believed in arranged marriages. I never found a point in it because i never found genuineness  in the arranged bonding of two people. Love after marriage is impossible proposition in my life. It would be an suicide where I would live half dead all through my life.

The biggest problem of marriages especially in India is the loss of individuality. A person loses his or her identity in marriage at some point or other. And Indian marriages give a raw deal to women more than the men. And eventually the fairer sex who lose their identity and individuality in the process. Yes, people claim that they are happy after marriage but how many of the married women have achieved what they intended to achieve before marriage? If they have achieved, what’s the time frame it took them to achieve them? Indian marriages are based on compromises and compromises are made in a way that it changes the life of the people involved especially women folk in marriage.

The biggest advantage of live-in relationships is that the individuality of both the partners will be preserved. They don’t need to change their career aspirations, tastes, life style or even day to day living habits. The relationship stays between the two and not obligated to family of either. In India, you are not married to a person, you are married to a family. In a live in, you are in a relationship to an individual and not a family.

When I was discussing it with a friend, she said “How about a perfect marriage where the individuality of both the partners are preserved?”

Yes it’s perfectly possible and I have seen a few marriages which provides equal space to both without compromises in life and the changes they incur are willful and which doesn’t kill their individuality in the name of love or family. But it’s a rarity. In real terms, it’s a dream marriage (be it love or arranged). Even in such a case there is a problem called “ownership problem”

The moment when people say “I do” in whatever language they say, they take it as “I own you”. The general perception of men and women who enter in to marriage is that they have every right to know everything about the partner which I would call “invasion of personal space”. I believe every individual has a personal circle around them and they want have certain secrets to themselves. The other person trying to get in to that space in the name of love is dangerous until and unless they allow you to. Even then I would say it’s not right.

A live-in relationship starts on this very basis – Yes, we are in a relationship but it doesn’t mean you can come in to my space and mine in to you. People live together because they love each other and not because they own each other. The sense of ownership is the biggest issue I see in marriage and love.

I can hear voices asking “So you will live-in with a girl?”
For me marriage is a ritual – a mere string tying or ring exchanging ceremony. I would love to live with a girl whom I love and not invade in to her own personal space, help preserve her individuality, enjoy each others growth as an individual and live a life of love. Call it marriage, love or live-in relationship, What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet

A question to all of you – If you are not married, Will you be ready to lose your identity and individuality in the name of love and marriage?

If you are married, have you lost your identity and individuality in the name of love and marriage?

Comment anonymous if you like to

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1. If love was easy… Love is an emotion which is happy, painful, sad,...

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My Orkut profile shout out says “ Is marriage so important in life?”. This question is lingering in my mind for a long time. I always felt that Marriage is just a licensed way of having sex. That may sound clichéd and errand. I will explain in it in a better way. How two people can live together without even knowing each other before, procreate after a ring is exchanged or a string is tied around the girl’s neck?

Is it not stupid? I dunno how arranged marriages work out in this country? I have a friend in Romania and she was asking about marriages in India. I was explaining her about the arranged marriages. She asked a very simple but shocking question.

“Don’t you guys have sex before marriage?”

I said “No”

“Then how would you know the sexual compatibility of both?”

I couldn’t answer the question and my thoughts ran in to the number of divorces and illegal relationships in India. And also it went to Revathi’s question in Mouna Raagam, when her mother asks her to go to Shanthi Muhurtham (First night or Marriage night). “Would you have asked me to go in to the room yesterday?” .

Marriage is a life of two people. By committing in to a serious relationship, we are getting in to a marriage bonding. It’s not the ring or the string which decides the marriage. It’s the two people, who have to decide whether to live together or part . But most of the marriages in this country are decided by money, business, family status, caste, religion and family egos.

My dad wants me to get married. And he asked my expectations. I gave a long, difficult list of my expectations on the girl from personal values to career aspirations, even simple things … It may seem odd but I did it because I don’t believe in the institution of arranged marriages. I always felt that I should find the girl myself beyond religion, caste, creed or even nation.

I don’t why my family is so desperate in getting me in to arranged marriage wedlock. Is it because my brother had a good love marriage? Or is it the typical parental ego which has creped in? I could not understand what matters to them on my choice of the girl. It’s me, who has to live my life with that person for ever. Nobody else can live my life. Then it is me, who has to choose the person whom I am going to live with.

So this blog post is an ultimatum. “People I am going to choose my girl. Whatever you are doing is just a waste of time.”

P.S:Do you guys wanna know what are my list of expectations, which i sent to my dad… I will tell you after i find the girl.

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I dunno how many of you who are reading this post, would have read Freaknomics, the hidden side economics book written by two Stephens ( Lewitt & Dubner). But i owe my current thinking process to these and their book.
Its about looking at the hidden side economics of all normal things in life. So i tried incorporating the thought process in to our marriages.

Marriages are part of the Indian tradition over the years. Almost every human being in India are bound to get married, although in the modern era the shackles are breaking, so that you can see some open relationships, live ins etc. But 90% of the population in India get married to someone else.

A election bureau statistics says there are about 10 Million marriages happen in a year in India ( 2007 stat). Thats actually more than the population of lot of countries. This statistics is only those registered with the government. Unofficially, there are even more marriages happen in the rural interiors of India. Currently, the Supreme court of India is in plans to make registration mandatory for all the marriages.

Each and every marriage in India is unique in its own way. The diversity of Indian culture gives this uniqueness to the marriages of India. Each religion, each caste, each sub-caste, each community have their own way of marriages and traditions. Only in India you can see the Chettinad marriage where the whole house is packed with gifts for the bride groom and a magnificent three day food extravaganza. Only in India you can see the Thoda marriage where the whole spedning is taken care by the bride groom and they just have small ceremony of taking the bride to their house without any ceremonies.

The one thing which fascinates me in all the marriages is the amount of money spent in each of the marriages. Ok let me go from the micro level to explain this process. There were two marriages happened last year, which i had a important part. One is my brother’s marriage and another is my friend’s marriage. Both are upper middle class families.

Let me take my brother’s marriage first, the marriage actually happened in Chickmagalur, Karnataka ( bride’s place) and we had a reception in Thanjavur, our native place. The total spending we did for the reception alone was about 5 lakhs. Out of which half the money went for the food.

The other marriage is a Hindu marriage, their rituals are little bit elaborate and it went for two days. Starting from the betrothal, bride groom reception, marriage and the after marriage reception. Three times food was served, all vegetarian. The total marriage expenses went for 6 lakhs. And ofcourse the jewellery my friend wearing was amounted to extra money (enormously extra. Hey don’t worry I will not let the secret out).

So an average upper middle class marriages happen at whopping average of 5.50 lakhs in a small town like Thanjavur.

All the future calculations are made on assumptions. So there a is large room for change (+ or – )

At a macro level, Let us divide the marriages in to 5 different categories.

Less than Rs.50,000 - 20% of 10 Million Marriages ( Some even happen at few thousands)

50,000 – 1 lakh – 15% of 10 Million

1 Lakh – 5 Lakhs – 25% of 10 Million ( May be the lower middle class, sometimes this also crosses over 5 lakhs, but i am excluding it)

More than 5 lakhs - Remaining 40% of 10 Million.

Lets take this 40% which are above 5 Lakhs. There are marriages in this poor country ( relatively ) which happen at the rate of few crores. I had seen a jain marriage in which the food cost alone was a whopping 15 lakhs. They had taken the posh Raja Muthaiah Mandram in Egmore, Chennai for the reception and the adjacent Rani Meyammai Hall for the dinner alone ( we had 6 food counters, a Hindustani music party and a close circuit big screen viewing of the bride and the bride groom – uff)

I dunno how to put the average for these affluent marriages. Even the law of averages will faint at the amount. Let me have the lowest value and assume that all the marriages happen at a minum cost of 5 Lakhs.

5,000,000 X 40% of 10 Million = 2 000 000 000 000.

It’s your headache to calculate the number of zeros. Mind you these are only calculations of the marriage expenses and it excludes the dowry (gift for bride groom), jewels worn by the couple, gifts they receive (the total amount of gifts for my brother’s marriage were about a 1 lakh or so- and most of them were repeated gift articles, which are no use to the couple and their homes).

Only one thought is ringing in my mind. Do we really need this kind of extravagant spending for simple consummation of two families, two people and two hearts? Are we not fooling ourselves? I am not asking to stop the rituals, follow your rituals, do as usual but do it in a small scale. Why not invest or donate to improve the infrastructure of schools in the rural villages of India. Will it not be more meaningful than having the most extravagant marriage in town?

And why the govt. should leave these marriages to happen? Why not tax them and use the taxes for improving infrastructure? A lesser tax for non-dowry marriages and a stricter tax for dowry marriages. I heard from my father that there was marriage tax during the Janata period of 1977 (I am not sure), but I think it should be brought back to stop these unjustifiable expensive marriages.

P.S: For the past three days I was seeing so many marriages happening in Chennai on my way back home, one hotel was having 5 different marriage receptions…Ufff.. And for those who are munching that number, its 2 Trillion Rupees. If you convert it to US dollars its 46,728,971,962.62 USD., ie., 46 Billion Dollars. The current external debt of India is 165 Billion Dollars. I think we can reduce the external debt by about 30%. 

Long live Indian Marriages.

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